some of you aren’t reading the room. not even listening to the room on audiobook
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5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
You wish you had this many chins.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
i wouldn’t say I have an addiction, but the ladies at my local Taco Bell just threw me a surprise baby shower.
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects