some of you aren’t reading the room. not even listening to the room on audiobook
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I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.