Some of you have never been punched in the face and it shows.
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How your email finds me
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Meow
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
weddings should have a worst man
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”