Some of you have never been punched in the face and it shows.
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I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
🤣😂🤣😂
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Always a metermaid never a meter
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.