Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

“Extra cheese”

Extra! Extra! More cheese!!

“No olives”

Breaking! Hold on the olives!

~Ex-Newsie working at Subway

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?

Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.

“How’s your day going?”

According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.

Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.