Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Does it…does it take 3 days
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.