Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
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You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
same but as an audience member
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine