Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
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For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
it must be school picture day
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
had to make it
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out