Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
You Might Also Like
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in