Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
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“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.