Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.

Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”