Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
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Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
British people
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets