Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
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Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.