Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
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Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Who.
Did.
This?
I never know how much to tip a cow.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Personal question. #JustSaying
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!