Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
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Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.