Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
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Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
When I said I liked it rough.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you