Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Be vigilant

I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

ME (calling my horse with no name):

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭

Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.

Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*