Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

God: Any other requests?

Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!

God: No problem.

St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by