Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
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*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.