Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
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OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
We know he can swim but…
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Sign at work today
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Feels like the fourth month in January
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Science is fun!
#nottrue
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.