Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
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The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.