Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
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Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
early stone age tool
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing