Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
You Might Also Like
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
No one can handle that
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Self-cleaning conscience
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger