Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
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my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot