Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

i’m so sick of this guy

[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?