Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
You Might Also Like
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
how high up are we talkin’?
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Guilty! 🤪
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?