Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
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Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Oops
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Wednesday
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly