Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.

Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?

Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

“Does this look infected?”

*points to the entire world*