Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
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not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
S/o to @funTweeters .
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people