Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
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Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Mad Max Arctic Road
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
☠️☠️☠️
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…
Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”