Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot

When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?

Me: KENNY…and my password is….

IT: FOOTLOOSE

Me: Wow…How did you know?

IT:

my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full

me, carrying 8 grocery bags:

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?

me: umm I believe those are from the space bar

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.