Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder

my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever

me:

the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it

“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?

Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.

F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.

Next day

F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building