Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
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Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.