Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
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I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
From my Mom
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.