Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
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Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
imagine getting destroyed like this
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”