Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.

Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.