some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
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A man of commitment.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle as I pay 🎶
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I WON A HAM TODAY
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house