some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
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How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no