Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
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Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet