Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
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Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Fights fire with marshmallows
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.