Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

thoughts?

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.

Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…

Spider: [doing the moonwalk]

Narrator: wtf no

Spider: [breakdancing]

Narrator: omg

Spider: [doing the robot] lol

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.

I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.