Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is

“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?

Me: Well how much does the position pay?

Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays

Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?

Boss: Then we won’t hire you

Me: What if I underestimate?

Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!

Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:

“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?

Me: I’m in morning

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

🤣🤣🤣