Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
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[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
me: it’s bedtime.
my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit