Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
You Might Also Like
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Did I do this right
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Greeting humans vs their dogs
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.