Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
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My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Hard not to take this personally
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.