Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
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Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
She puts the hot in psychotic
*power walks to the refrigerator*
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire