some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
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ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
💯😂
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do