Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
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Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
