Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
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Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
relationship goals
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
me when I see my crush
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*