Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore

Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer

Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text

Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Spotted in New Orleans.

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.

Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything