Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.

kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive

Wife: We’re going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands