Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
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I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
Sunday
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
no
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Me when I hear gossip
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting