Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
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I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Mountain Goat : )
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say