some Old Testament wisdom
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Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s time to send me my weekly allowance for cheese
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!