some Old Testament wisdom
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Omg 🤣
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess