Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.

Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.

She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.

🤦🏻‍♀️

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.