Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?

Hub: Agreed

Me: Wait, where are you going?

Hub: Fishing. See you Monday

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

[ undercover stake out ]

me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you

donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.

The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

Asking the real questions!