Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby

*Sips Margarita

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk

I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now

I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Hilarious if literal: arms race

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”