Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
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A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Trumpy Cat
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops