Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
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colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
I don’t make the rules sorry
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.