Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind

40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.