Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:

1. A gas pedal

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

HER: congratulations on having twins

ME: triplets

HER: but there’s only two of them

ME: shit

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.

me: how do i use this inhaler?

doctor: you suck.

me: i’m trying sorry

My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.

when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho