Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
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It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Just added something to my bucket list.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Living every minute with impostor syndrome anxiety, dreading the day the other librarians discover I don’t have any cats or any cardigans.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime