Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
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Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.