Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
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[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
This made me chuckle.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
“FRAAANCE!”
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.