Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
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Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
same energy
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work