Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
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“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Worth a try
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Raisins are grape jerky.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.