Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

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*rises out of neighbor’s hot tub* I’d like to talk to you guys about home alarm systems…


I’m glad Netflix added Unsolved Mysteries. I’ve already watched Forensic Files a few times and I need some fresh new alibis.


My husband and I have been practicing Social Distancing for 11 years now…..we got this.



Yeah, Bud

Can you scour the house looking EVERYWHERE for something I’m poorly describing that you’ve never seen or heard of before?


Sometimes I’ll start talking to someone on the train, then go “Oh, this is where I get off” then close my eyes & stick my hand in my pants.


marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u


When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.


Felix Baumgartner’s 127,000 ft jump becomes world’s greatest free fall, unseating previous record set by the 2008 US Economy. #spacejump