Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
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I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”