Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
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[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Goat cheese is for herders.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.