Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
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I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here