Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
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Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.