Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
You Might Also Like
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984