Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.

Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:

1. if they stop swimming

2. if they accidentally eat a grenade

if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you