Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
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a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Just so funny
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.