Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

ME: I love you

HER:

ME: I said I love you

HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.

“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

💯😂

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

Christian: You need Jesus in your life

Me: But I can’t find him

Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.

Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.

Snapes on a plane.

I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy

i think both sides are to blame here

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration