Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
You Might Also Like
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
twitter users today:
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.