@claire_mudie

Some people are doing stuff with their lives!!

Let’s mock them.

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@chudneyspears

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

@Shen_the_Bird

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

@juliussharpe

With all the conflicts in the world, the board game Risk has taught me the first thing we should do is invade Australia.

@jessiejess1228

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

@brendohare

Ants can lift something 50 times their body weight. Wow. That means you can lift a leaf. Cool. I could do that when I was 14. Tiny idiots.

@ewfeez

Start reading to your kids as early as possible. I start around 2:30 a.m.

@thevickster_sa

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.