Some people are doing stuff with their lives!!

Let’s mock them.

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I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.


astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float


With all the conflicts in the world, the board game Risk has taught me the first thing we should do is invade Australia.


They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.


Ants can lift something 50 times their body weight. Wow. That means you can lift a leaf. Cool. I could do that when I was 14. Tiny idiots.


Start reading to your kids as early as possible. I start around 2:30 a.m.


When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien


Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.