I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Some people are doing stuff with their lives!!
Let’s mock them.
You Might Also Like
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
With all the conflicts in the world, the board game Risk has taught me the first thing we should do is invade Australia.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Ants can lift something 50 times their body weight. Wow. That means you can lift a leaf. Cool. I could do that when I was 14. Tiny idiots.
Start reading to your kids as early as possible. I start around 2:30 a.m.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺