LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
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I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Who does Amazon think I am?