Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
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If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..