Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
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Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
kitchen magnet
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”