Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.

her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

Call any time! *terms and conditions apply

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.

Why do people say half a dozen?

Why can’t they just say Six

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.